Yes, I know the title isn't very imaginative, but it will suffice, as I attempt to give you the rundown on the bumpy road to finding my furriness. This piece probably seems a bit rough in places, but that's because it involved a lot emotional outpouring at around midnight, whilst simultaneously trying to work in some of the closing speech from one of my other sites. True you could argue I should have tidied it up by now... but maybe this is one of those things that is *meant* to be rough. But anyway enough about me, and onto the story... er... about me. *coughs*
Well, there are some details from throughout my life to go here eventually, however they're largely insignificant, and I can't seem to put them down in any way which pleases me. Therefore, I'll start at where the big change came about; 1999. Up until that point, I'd just had a general interest in animals. In 1999, A sadly hated by many television series called Watership Down hit the UK screens. 'It has rabbits in it, doesn't it' I thought to myself. 'Meh, it's nothing really important, but I'll give it a try anyway'. Boy, those thoughts are such a long way away now, as I soon came to realise there was something different about this. Something I'd never felt before, only I couldn't explain it. I thought at first it might have just been a passing fad with a good programme, something which has happened countless times before, however it remained in my thoughts. It went further than though. Any sight of the lapine species anywhere made me feel odd. I wasn't just a fan of that programme. In fact, I wasn't just a fan of the animal any more. I certainly didn't know it then, but I had found my phenotype... or rather it had found me. Even today, I still can't fully explain it, however I feel *some* sort of connection to them. It seems an odd thing to say, given my skepticism about religion and the supernatural, but there you are. Perhaps it's because they remind me so much of me. A shy and timid creature, who will run and hide from most dangers, and to whom everyone seems an enemy; Yet they never allow such facts to get them down.
At that time (you're talking 2001 by now), I still knew nothing of the furry community. It took a sad and darkened twist in my life to make me realise the true meaning behind my life, as well as showing that I wasn't alone in this world with my thoughts and feelings. Much as it still saddens me to talk about it in detail, it has to be brought in as it has had a significant impact on my life. There exists a site run by a thankfully now former friend of mine, called Fifth Voyager. Basically, it's a fanfiction series based upon Star Trek Voyager, only with lots of other people thrown in to play additional characters. One of these was me.
Now I had known I was a character in this for several months. What I didn't know was exactly how I was portrayed. When I finally got round to reading it, I found this insane and obsessed character, running round stupidly after rabbits, trying in vain to get them to listen to me. Now I'm used to people mocking me for other things so this should have been water off a duck's back. However, something was different about this. I was instantly struck by an insatiable rage at what was said about me, something I'd never experienced before, and I hope will never experience again.
I now know the reason behind this wasn't that it was attacking me, but because of *how* it was attacking me. It was striking me in connection with the lapine aspect. It was an assault on my innermost feelings; upon who I am. That something which means so much to me, clearly meant so little to this person that she would so cruelly use it against me as a way of gaining a cheap laugh hopefully goes some way to explaining why I saw red. I began to lash out wildly, throwing up a silly website, and shouting and screaming everywhere.
It led to what must be the worst 17 months of my life. I found myself surrounded by the writer and her cronies, backing me into a corner, with her painting an image of me as the most awful person to ever walk this humble earth. With seemingly no way to escape, I could only continue to dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole, something which she seemed to delight in seeing me do. At that point, one of my darkest yet, I even began to shun everything related to rabbits. Afterall, I started to blame myself for all this. Perhaps it *was* all my doing as, by liking the species, I'd effectively given her the dagger with which to stab me repeatedly. Perhaps there really was something wrong with me! This denial continued throughout the remainder of 2001, and much of 2002. Even so, it was something which I couldn't maintain. Despite the pretence, it somehow just never felt right, and I knew it. That was where my Thank U Stars site came in. It was devoted to that program which had started it all off; Watership Down, and was the first big step towards returning to who I truly am... a decision which, looking back on it now, was one of the best things I have ever done.
The final stage of all this came in Summer 2003, thanks to a fellow fur called Loganberry, to whom I feel I owe a great debt for his help. Now I'd known he was a fur for some months. Despite having the occasional thought about it myself, I still failed to make the connection. Strangely, it was a random comment by him upon a quiz I'd posted to my new Livejournal which really got me thinking. About how I had felt for the past 4 years... about the unexplained feelings that were there... and most significantly about the horrible events with that website. Suddenly... well, everything just began to fall into place. I could finally see what had been staring me in the face the whole time. As clichéd as it sounds, the dark clouds hanging over me finally began to clear, and for the first time in a long time I could see a trail to tomorrow.
Although her site lives on as before, mocking me and my connection with rabbits, I no longer care about it and refuse to let it bring me down. I choose just to ignore those who cannot accept someone a little different to themselves, now that at least I know who I am. I am Entei-rah; a lapine fur, and damn proud of it. =:)
~ Entei-rah Brekaythi (17/1/2004)